Keeping a long-distance connection

Katie Couric called it quits with her beau because she couldn't manage their New York-Los Angeles relationship.

Sheena Easton ended it with Husband No. 4 because, she said, they tired of the Las Vegas-Beverly Hills commute.

And now, it seems, the stresses of a long-distance marriage were a factor in the break-up of San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom and his wife, Kimberly Guilfoyle, an analyst for Court TV in New York.

After three years of marriage, the two announced this month that they were divorcing. Newsom and Guilfoyle have been living on opposite coasts for a year and visiting each other when they could.

Distance may make some hearts grow fonder. But for many, waking up in a different city or country from a loved one gets old quickly. The time differences. The red-eye plane trips. Not being able to share meals, chores, down time. And the phone conversations that go bad.

While there are no numbers of how many U.S. couples are currently in long-distance marriages, it is a situation that many people face sometime in their lives. Careers can take people to different cities. Family commitments such as tending to a sick parent can lead one away from home for long stretches. And of course, war separates husbands and wives, girlfriends and boyfriends.

Commuter relationships, say couples therapists, are not ideal for couples interested in staying together.

For Newsom and Guilfoyle, careers forced them to be apart. A year ago, when Newsom took office, Guilfoyle, a former assistant district attorney and Victoria's Secret model, moved to New York to be an analyst on Court TV.

In August, the couple posed on a rug in Harper's Bazaar. But Newsom told the San Francisco Chronicle a month ago ``this living on different sides of the continent has taken a huge toll personally.''

In some cases, such as military service, living apart is impossible to avoid. But in most cases, it's a choice. People should ask themselves if the time apart is really necessary, says Mark Levy, a psychiatrist and clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California-San Francisco's medical school.

``Long-distance relationships may be a symptom of an inability to compromise in the relationship,'' says Levy. If the separation is short term, it can work. But a long-term, long-distance relationship can be a death knell. ``It's usually an early warning sign of the demise of the relationship.''

But some relationships can withstand the hardship of distance, as long as the couple works at it, says Neil Talkoff, a psychologist in San Francisco.

``Couples have to find ways to stay open to each other, to continue to see the other person as their best friend, their partner, as the person they turn to first,'' Talkoff says.

In August, Stephen Joffe moved from Maine to Palo Alto to take the helm of Children's Health Council in Palo Alto. His wife and 16-year-old daughter are back in Maine.

Their daughter, independent and involved in activities, would find it difficult to move but could tolerate the separation from her dad. The couple decided that it would be best for their daughter, a high school junior, if they set up a bicoastal marriage for a short stint. The hardship, they decided, would be on their relationship -- but they could make it work.

``We didn't think it would be the easiest year and a half of our lives,'' Joffe says. ``But we decided for our child, it was the right thing and we needed to be the grown-ups about it,'' Joffe says.

Every morning and evening, the family talks. And they visit every two to three weeks. Their plan is to spend the summer together and ultimately relocate their home and lives to California once their daughter graduates from high school. (A son in college is considering transferring to a college in California).

Time differences play havoc sometimes with the desire to connect, Joffe says. And they had one stretch of almost five weeks of not seeing each other. ``That was way too long,'' he says.

After a year of marriage, Barna De and her husband led a bicoastal life. She stayed in Princeton, N.J., to finish her Ph.D. He moved to San Jose to begin work as a semiconductor engineer. The separation lasted more than two years with visits twice a month on weekends.

Now in San Jose with her husband and the mother of a two-year-old, De says the separation worked because she had a goal -- ``I was going to get the thesis done and it would end.''

And the couple benefited from airline routes.

``As long as it is a big place with lots of planes coming, it's OK.''